Never The Same
by ToxicGalaxy
Summary: Dean wakes up from a nightmare yelling Cas' name a couple of months after escaping purgatory. Sam decides it's time to know what happened to Castiel in there. Warning: Character death, talk about your feelings!Dean, mentions of Destiel. One-shot. Unbeta'd.


Thunder. Lightening.

It is 2 months after Dean escaped Purgatory that Sam is woken by the sound of Dean sobbing.

"Huh... Dean?" Sam says, bleary eyes opening as he turns to face his brother's bed. Dean is wrapped tightly in the blankets, the shadows from the storm blazing outside dancing across the walls. He can see Dean is shaking, and the sobbing is growing louder. He gets up quickly and goes to his brother's side, resting a hand gently on his arm.  
Dean awakens in a flash, timed perfectly with the crash of thunder outside.

"Cas!"

"Dean, Dean it's me! Hey, it's fine. Shhh." Sam says softly, backing up to sit on the edge of his own bed. Dean untangles himself from the bedding and throws his legs over the side, head going to his hands immediately with a deep sigh.

"Dean. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Sam. Just go back to bed."  
Sam sighs himself, and braces himself. He's not going to let Dean suffer quietly and alone any more. It's time to get this out.

"Dean. You yelled out Cas' name. Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"  
Dean's head shoots up and glares at his little brother, eyes cold and full of warning.

"Don't, Sam. Just drop it."  
He rises, and goes to the shabby kitchenette in their room to grab a bottle of whiskey. His drinking is still out of control. After Bobby everything has just spiraled downhill. Sam doesn't know what to do, and it kills him to see so much pain in his brother.  
He, too, stands and goes over to the kitchenette. Dean is leaning against the counter, bottle in hand, not yet having taken a swig. Sam reaches over and gently takes it from his hands and sits it down on the counter. He can see the defeat in his brother's shoulders, the sorrow bubbling over.

"Sam... you don't understand. I'm not like you. I don't talk my issues out. I deal with them. I keep going. That's all that matters."

"This isn't dealing Dean! Something more happened. Losing Cas messed you up the first time, but this... this is something more. What happened?" he asks, as he moves to sit at the table. Dean follows, knowing he isn't going to escape it this time and sits heavily on the cheap old chair.  
He rubs his face, and Sam can see the lines of his face pinching tighter.

"Sam. Listen, you're my brother. You know I trust you with my life. I have countless times. But there are some things I still can't share with you."

"Dean. Nothing you say is going to... do whatever it is you think it's going to do. I've seen horrible shit too, done some of it myself. I've lost people. Just let me help you. I even promise not to try to psychoanalyze you. Just start talking." he says in a comforting tone.  
Dean doesn't respond, his face once again buried in his hands. They sit like that for a few moments until Sam, for the second time that night, hears a sound rarely heard in regards to Dean Winchester. He's crying.

"He... we. Sammy. I'm not who... I changed in there. I think I changed long before that, but it finally took hold there. I lost him. For a long time, I lost him. He disappeared as soon as we got there. I didn't know if he was dead or alive. I searched, killed my way through Purgatory looking for him. I even teamed up with a vampire for help. And one day... I found him. Just sitting my a stream. He was filthy Sam. He looked worse than me. I... just. All I saw was relief and... something in me just snapped. I hugged him, I was so happy to have found him. He just stood there though, no response. He eventually told me he'd ran off to protect me. I guess Leviathans have a tendancy to hold grudges. He said there was a price on his head and he wanted to keep me out of their sights. Typical Cas, you know?" he stops for a minute there, rising to get the bottle of whiskey once more. He grabs 2 glasses and pours each of them a drink. Sam holds it in his hands and takes a small sip, whereas Dean downs the whole glass and pours another before continuing.

"Sammy. I... this is where things get weird for me. And I don't really know how to... I don't know how to even say the words. They feel like they are locked up in me, and once I say them it's all over."

"You can say anything Dean. It's fine. It's me, man."  
Dean nods, takes another drink.

"I don't know how it happened. It just did. Looking back I guess I felt it before, years ago actually. I just didn't know what it was, or didn't want to accept what it was. I'm Dean Winchester, I'm not..." he trails off again. He tries a couple of times to start talking, but it's obvious he doesn't know how or what to say.

Sam, at this point, is starting to get a feeling he knows where this is all going.

"Dean... you can tell me anything. I won't think any less of you. You're my brother." he repeats the sentiment, as Dean's troubled eyes rise to meet his.

"Sammy. We... Cas and I. We became... *more* in Purgatory." Dean says, emphasising the 'more' and staring hard at his brother's face. Sam nods.

"I can't say I never thought you two were a possibility, Dean. You two... you were always special to each other." he says matter-of-factly, causing Dean's forehead to wrinkle.

"You don't care? Honestly? Cas is a guy... I'm... me. You can't tell me that me falling in love with a guy doesn't freak you out." Dean says, voice clearer than it's been all night. He looks confused.

"Of course I don't care, it doesn't freak me out. Why would it?"

"My brother, the hippie." Dean says with a faint smile, pouring another drink.

"To be honest, the weirdest part about all of this is that you just admitted you are in love with someone. I'm proud of you, Dean."  
Dean snorts, and they fall silent for a few moments before Dean speaks again.

"Cas... it's just him. I've never felt anything like it with anyone before. I guess I was slow, though. Cas had it figured out much quicker, which is funny considering how uneducated in emotions he is... was." and with that, Dean was back to the root of it all.

"So you guys reunited, and had a vampire ally. Then what?"

"We fought. For... I don't even know how long. But we fought. Leviathan, various monsters I hope I never see again, all the way down to common vamps and shifters. We slept in turns. Cas never trusted Benny, that's the vampire's name, so he wouldn't let him do watch alone. We had heard of a door, a way out of purgatory. We knew only humans could get through. We hoped since Cas was in a human vessel, he'd be fine. But as for Benny, in turn for his help, I agreed to smuggle him out inside me." at this, Sam interjects.

"What? You let a vampire... what, posess you?"

"No, more like... stored him inside my arm. It was weird. Had to cut him out when I got out of there and 'pour him' over his bones to resurrect him. He calls and checks in every now and then." he says nonchalantly, although Sam knows he's waiting for a freakout.

"Okay... well, not what I expected, but go on." Sam says, nudging Dean back into the story.  
He finishes his own drink and Dean quickly pours him another. And one for himself.

"One day we were walking, following the directions we had beat out of a native. We weren't far from the door, we didn't think. Suddenly there were monsters everywhere. Everything in Purgatory converged at once. There was a huge fight. At one point when we had 2 seconds without anything coming at us, Cas grabbed my hand and looked at me. Looking back, I think it was a goodbye. The odds were against us, more than usual. I know I didn't think we were making it out of there alive, that's for sure. Then... everything fell apart. It all happened so fast. Something knocked us down. Then there was pulling... I remember thinking this is it, you know? My hand still was holding Cas' and I looked over at him and he was just yelling my name and then... his hand just slipped from mine. Everything just kind of flowed over us like a big wave of teeth and claws. I kicked, punched, slashed, did everything I could to get free and get back to him. But then it all stopped. Everything. They were just gone. It was just Benny and I. All I found was a torn, blood soaked piece of his sleeve lying in the middle of the battlefield. I went back on my mission- I didn't even care about the door at that point. I wasn't leaving without him. I refused to believe he was dead. But then..." Dean chokes for a moment and stops.

"Dean..."

"I found him. They didn't even... they just laid him out for me to find. He was ripped apart, Sammy! He just..." and that's when he breaks down. For the first time, he lets everything out. Sam is right there with him the whole time, comforting him the best he can. But he knows his brother will never be the same.  
Not without his angel by his side.


End file.
